Growing Pains

Hello my name is Mike and I turned 30 a few weeks ago.  Never thought I felt old.  I am always young at art.  When people find out my age they go "Wow really?  I seriously thought you were much younger than that!"  That makes me feel good and vain at the same time.  Yes keep believing that I am younger than I actually am.  I THRIVE on it.  I need it to live.

Ever since I turned 30 though...I've been feeling the effects.

A few weeks ago, My nose hairs have been bothering me.  MY NOSE HAIRS!  WTF Mike, you used to not think about shit like this.  Now I'm googling "How to remove nose hairs safely." WHO am i?  What have I become? And why do we need nose hairs?  According to the webs, it's supposed to collect moisture and air particles from entering the nasal cavity, however every day they tickle me nose.  Yes I said me nose.  

Turns out there are forums for those who are inquiring about this type of information.  Many of whom, are like me: Fresh naive thirty year olds facing the repercussions of surviving this planet long enough to have hair grow towards their body.  They show up and are like "Hey...this may seem kind of weird, and I'm not old yet, but my body is changing and I don't know what to do" and other people comment back like "Well well well...welcome to the golden age young blood."  

I immediately cut my internet off after reading that.  

Passive Aggressive Stand Still

I try my best to fight the good fight against people who are douchebags in public.  Whether it be able-bodied people parking in a handicap spot or people just being inconsiderate to others for the sake of their own selfish ways, I do what I can as a citizen to put a stop to that.

There is a dog park that I like to frequent here in San Diego.  The entrance to the park requires going down a one way street in order to get to it.  Out of the hundreds of times I've been to this park, I've only had two experiences of someone driving the wrong way on this road.

Today was experience #2.

Before I go any further I want to state the fact that I'm not a great human being myself.  I try my best to be a decent member of society and at times I fuck that up. I get it...I'm not perfect.  The reason I do choose to fight this battle is because this issue could cause an accident for people not expecting a car to come at them on a one way street.  I wouldn't want to run into something especially if the street that I'm turning from is busy as fuck.

The first time this happened, I blocked the person from driving down the wrong side.  I purposely stopped in front of their vehicle and signaled then to back up.  In this instance, the driver didn't see the sign and was genuinely sorry.  She thanked me and went on her way.

This time around, this douchebag saw me driving down this road and decided to drive the wrong way anyway.  Again I blocked him from going forward and gave him the signal to back up.  He yelled at me "Hey just move over to the side I can squeeze through."  I replied back "Nope.  Back up.  You're driving down a one way street."  

He goes "Come on man!  Don't be a dick! Just move out the way, It's hard for me to back up!"  I yell back "Nope.  You gotta back up.  You're driving down the wrong way"  

He then says "I ain't moving!" and just sits there in his car blocking the traffic.

I reply "Alright! No biggie!" and I shut off my engine.  

He sits there and starts getting impatient.  Cars are starting to pull up behind me and they start honking.  Growing irritable he finally gives up and starts backing up.  He pulls into a parking spot, lets me pass and drives up behind me yelling at me from his car.

Not going to lie, this is the first time during this entire interaction I thought "What if this dude is crazy? What if I fucked up and this guy is carrying?"

The entire time while in the middle of that street, I was in control because I KNEW he was in the wrong.  I didn't see past that part of the encounter.  It was like a game of chess where I had him in check and in one foul swoop he takes my queen and my manhood.

So I'm nervous as fuck but I act cool in my car.  I don't budge.  He yells out at me just staring me down "What the fuck is your problem?!?!"  I yell back "Dude nothing is my problem" but in my mind i'm like "What the fuck IS my problem?  I should've just let him go." and he continues to stare at me.  

I pretend to not let it get to me, so I just start pulling out my phone. Getting ready to video tape my last moments on earth.  Thinking to myself, man is my death about to go viral on worldstar hiphop?

Title reads "Overzealous dog owner gets mirked by some white dude in a camero."  

He yells out to me again, you're a fucking asshole do you not have anything better to do?"

I yell back "Nope!" and pop my head back in my car.  I'm glad he could only see my cool demeanor in my head, because the rest of my body was shaking.

I get it.  he's mad.  he's upset, because people don't like to be told that they're wrong.  It's an ego thing.  People hate it!  I hate it, but if you're in the wrong you're in the wrong.

He stares me down some more and finally drives off.  I wait like a good ol 10-15 hours to make sure he's gone.  I leave my car and take my dogs into the park.  You would think that I'd be fine, but no i'm still paranoid!!!  I'm not even watching my dogs at this point, I'm looking around for a black camaro to pull into the parking lot and each time a black car pulls in, I tense up. But as soon as I realize that it's another human being, I relax and say "Yeah that's right he better not show up."

As much of a pussy I am, Ultimately, it WAS this guy's fault.  I can just imagine how pissed off he was when he was trying to tell this story.  How is that going to end up?

"Yeah and then this guy wouldn't fucking move!  He made me back up and go the other way!"

"Was this a one-way street?"

"I mean yeah, but still it's the principle!"

Long story short, this wasn't a "who's dick is bigger" contest (because I know I'm filipino) as it was more of a "Don't be a dick" contest where everyone should strive to be a winner.  

Check Engine Lights

For the past few months I've been driving around with a check engine light.  I've been wanting to deal with it, but I didn't have the funds to do so.  The only reason I want this light off is because I can't remote start it with it on.  I honestly think it's the most ballest thing that I can do for my age.  As we walk towards my car people be like "Wait, did you start the car? I'm like "Yee" and they're like "please stop talking to us like that."

With the help of my wife's family I was able to (hopefully) fix the problems.

It got to a point where my car would Idle aggressively.  I'm not a car person, but even I knew it was a problem.  I took my car to my usual shop and dropped it off.  I was like "Yo Colin, peep this problem B." and he was like "please don't talk to me like that" and I was like "coo".  

A few hours later he called me up and was like "Hey Mike, just took a look at your car. I ran the diagnostic codes.  Unfortunately I'm not equipped to deal with this type of engine so I'm not going to charge you anything. I recommend you to take it somewhere who specializes in this sort of thing."

I'm like oh, like a mechanic?  (kept that to myself)

So I picked up my car and brought it back to the house and my brother and father in law were there.  They took a look at the codes, did some googling, and were like "Hey so this is the problem, it looks like it's the bearing within your cover valve"  

I just nod and pretend like I know what the hell they're talking about.  I'm like "Oh yeah, duh I should've totally saw that coming. stupid bearing."

Called around to several dealerships for the parts and found the best price at one.  Placed an order over the phone and was told it would take five business days to get here.  I was like ok cool.

The next day I get a call from the dealership saying that they overnighted the part.  Yeah that's why people don't trust dealerships!  They lie to your face! "Oh we'll get it to you in a couple of days...SIKE we got it to you ASAP." fucking liars man.  

I grab the part and head home.  The family puts the part in and my car starts running smooth.  I drive it around for several days and the light is still on.  We take it to the dealership and tell them the issue and they're like "we can just turn off the codes and see if they come back on." So you're telling me it's that easy?  Like you can make all my problems disappear?!?!?!

They turn it off, and the codes haven't come back.  Now I'm thinking...what if I didn't need the part to begin with?  Stupid father in law.

Sports Fans are the worst

Not a fan of sports fans.  Came to this realization after watching my beloved Chargers lose their 2000000th game of the Season.  As soon as I get in my car to drive away from the house, I turn my radio on to sports talk where the hosts take calls from the fans.  Every week it's the same when they lose.


These bumpkins of society are calling for a someone's livelihood!  I get it, we're all not perfect, but Sports is the only form of entertainment where people can be vocal about losing your job.  No one is calling into AM radio, asking for the host, and demanding normal people to lose their jobs.

"THEY NEED TO FIRE MATT from Cinnabon!  He Hasn't done ANYTHING for that company!  FIRE HIM NOW AND REPLACE HIM WITH XI JINPING From Panda Express!"

It just baffles me because NONE of these people can do what these professional coaches can do. 

The host even asked the caller for his recommendations, and even then it's farfetched.

"What would you do Todd from Lakeside?"
"Um you know, first i'd figure out my team's shortcomings, fire them, and then rally behind that sweet arm of Philip Rivers!"

I don't get it.  I understand that people do not want to pay money to watch their team lose.  But that is why San Diego fans suck!  As soon as our team starts to fail, we hop off board that band wagon.  

At least I respect Raider fans.  They STICK by their team through the thick of it.  It's like my best friend said "If you didn't want us at Jamarcus Russell, then you don't deserve us at Derek Carr".  

Stupid Kid making me lose my stupid dog ball

Yeah that's right.  This little shit asked to use my dog launcher today at the park.  Normally I decline because I don't want any kid to lose the ball that I paid $7.82 for (it's a nice squeaky chuck-it ball that doesn't squeak because my dog broke it yet I still keep it because my dog likes to chase it around for the first five minutes of the dog park before she runs away and eats dog poop).  

However, going against my better judgement, I decided to let him take a go at it.  I purposely made him face away from the fenced area (we were about 6 feet away from it) and I had him launch the ball towards an open field.  Not only is this kid a dumb dumb, he also lacks zero athletic ability. As he was supposed to launch the ball at the apex of the trajectory (I know science I'm not a dumb dumb like this dumb dumb), he didn't so the ball bounced back towards the fence and it went over.

God Damn it you stupid haircut looking kid.

He just looked at it like "Oh.." and his DUMB idiot idea was to try to use the launcher to reach for the ball through the chain link fence.  BUT YOU CAN'T because the launcer is 2 feet long and the ball is in another zip code.  HE Almost put the entire launcher through the fence before I calmly told the kid "No don't do that".  It's like his thought process was like "Hey you know how I lost your ball?  Let's get rid of everything you paid for so no one will ever know!" Great idea kid.

I honestly wanted to throw the kid over to get the ball for me, but I chose not to because I am trying to be a civil adult.  I should've known better when I saw this 5 year old with training wheels park his bike outside the park while his dad brought their dog in.  I could tell that the dad wanted nothing to do with this kid because he kept yelling back to the kid "You're my biggest mistake, but I love you!".  

Like seriously, this shouldn't bother me at all.  REALLY this shouldn't.  I LITERALLY just listened to a podcast about this MMA Fighter who battled depression as a teenager and turned to wrestling as an outlet to become great and develop character.  Only to suffer a significant elbow injury and became addicted to painkillers.  When he finally received the surgery he needed he went on to become a contestant on the Ultimate Fighter while hiding his addiction from his teammates.  Once he got his contract he kept fighting and using drugs to the point he was kicked off his team and was sent into the lowest point of his life.  Once he became sober he decided to do some humanitarian work and he now builds water wells for the Pygnys of the Congo because he realized some things were just more important in life.  Now when this fighter steps into the cage, he donates his entire check to his organization that is designed to help out these forgotten tribe.

I drove in my car earlier in the day and heard that story and yet I'm still mad about a fucking ball.

As far as jumping over the fence, I couldn't.  There was no support beam on top of the fence to keep me stable if I were to attempt to get my fat ass over it.  So I waited until someone from that area walked by to throw it over.  No one showed up. 

That dumb kid and his father left with their dog named Batman.  They had a really cool dog. Like Batman was super fun and loving, not like that dumb child.  

I tried to drive around to see if I could just park and grab it from the other side, but to my luck it's a gated community.  I saw people by the entrance of the front of the complex but I felt it would've looked sketchy in my part. "Um excuse me sir, can I come in?  I left my ball in your yard" 

I just drove home balless. 


May 15, 2016 Ramble #1

Every once in a while i'll do a writing exercise by just writing non-stop for about 10 minutes.  Since I've been having writers block I'll go back to it right now.

The timer just started.  Now I'm off to the races.  So Every once in a while I'll just write the same thing I just did in the beginning.  God that is rediculous.  Is that even how you spell ridiculous?  No it isn't.  Because the second time I spelled ridiculous the dotted red lines did not appear under the word.  Why can't there be a dotted red line under people who are just wrong.  That way you know you can avoid them from a distance.

Distant relationships are weird.  My wife and I are kind of doing that right now.  We've been separated for about seven months since she joined the military and things have been pretty smooth.  Like it's like I'm married, but it's also like I'm single.  So whenever you feel like you need a break from your marriage, just have your partner go on a deployment! That will save the relationship!  Well at least it will extend the honeymoon phase.  We've been married for almost seven years and we have been apart for about 2.5 years total.  Totally helped out our marriage.  

Not to mention, we don't have any kids.  I don't think I could even have kids...i mean I could fill that pussy up with my dickkkkk juice but would I want kids?  No.  People tell me, well having pets is a good way to know if you want kids or not.  Which is great, because having pets has taught me that not only do I not to have kids, it also taught me that I get angry quickly.

Like whenever my dog Daisy (lab mix) misbehaves at the park, I seriously want it to die.  It's like JESUS CHRIST!  Why can't you behave?  That's not your ball Daisy!  Quit taking other dogs toys!  I mean i understand they don't speak english because dogs are dumb sometimes, but it gets really annoying.  Not going to lie, sometimes I want to feed my dog a handful of hershey kisses.  She would be dumb enough to eat it too.  She eats shit for christ sakes!  Why WOULDN'T She eat chocolate?  I mean I know I sound harsh right now, but it's just really annoying sometimes.  But then whenever she gets tired from the park she'll come up and lay next to me on the bed.  It looks really cute.  It's adorable.  Then she yawns and her breath smells like shit and I immediately get annoyed again.

Too bad she can't be like my other dog Roxy.  Roxy is a sweetheart.  She is obedient, loving, caring. However she keeps getting sick.  Like ALL THE TIME.  She is basically a bubble dog.  We had her take an allergy test to see what she's allergic to and the results came back "Everything" My dog is ALWAYS sick.  We have to buy her special hypoallergenic food which has one source of carbs, one source of protein, and one source of "really expensive".  Sometimes again, i just feel like giving her chocolate to put her out of her misery.

But me and my wife love them both.

Times up.

Military Contract Negotiations

I've been seeing people post memes about Military Pay and why others shouldn't get a raise. Again I think that's bullshit.  Instead of trying to take things away from other people, why don't we step up our game and start negotiating for more money.

Why can't we negotiate?!?! We ARE signing contracts.  Why Can't I Hire a sports agent to do the talking?!?!?!  That would be dope!

Can you imagine someone from the CAA trying to negotiate with the Navy on my behalf?!?!?

"Excuse me, but this contract is unacceptable.  My client demands are as follows:"

1) His own fighter jet
2) Mandatory naps after chow
3) Courtside seats to World War 3

it's time to find our self worth!  It's time to find our own value!  Yeah sure,  I guess I'm in the world's finest Navy, But i'm trying to get that paper!

If an athlete doesn't like what one team is offering, he can find another team that's willing to pay more.  Countries should do that as well.

I could be a second class Petty Officer in the US OR I could be a Four Star Admiral in Zimbabwe. I would put the team on my back! (i'm pretty sure Zimbabwe is Landlocked though)

If that did happen I would definitely see where my career would take me, but I would also come back and retire with my first team.

"Fair Wage Act of 2016"

People are upset that the food service industry are going to get $15 a hour for minimum wage.  I think that is unfair.  They should be getting more

They're the real heroes.  

Yes firefighters deal with fire, but the food service industry deal with people.  That's MORE noteworthy.  People are WORSE than fires!  

Case in point: A fire never told a firefighter "I said NO PICKLES!  Where is your manager?!?!!"

So the next time you're at a McDonalds and the cashier hands you your food...make sure you thank them for their service.